This is an end-of-the-year post, but I wanted to get it out early.
You see, I was unusually public this year about my goals.
“We plan, God laughs,” right? So I began to write out my results, but… well, I stopped when I started crying.
…And this is where I have to start explaining.
That is truly what happened, but it sounds super depressing and melodramatic. And that is really not where I’m at.
In so, so, so many ways, I’ve had a fantastic year. Powerfully great things have happened professionally and personally. I feel better and more grateful than I ever have in my life. And I’m blessed with the most amazing array of people anyone could ever hope to know.
But while that’s all true, there’s another piece.
When I look back over the year I get frustrated, because I had RAI treatment again – which curtailed my ability to work, cost me a lot of money, shut me down in a lot of ways, and hijacked a third of my year – for, maybe, nothing.
*** sidebar mini-post ***
Interesting Times Update 23:
Because I’ll Be Damned if Cancer Gets a Post of Its Own at Christmastime
In a nutshell? This spring’s RAI doesn’t seem to have had an effect.
As you’ll recall, there’s nothing in me that any scan can see, but blood levels implied that there was a little something there. So the RAI was done to get rid of that. But the post-RAI levels were almost exactly the same (like 0.04 higher, or something).
I don’t have much commentary on this. It is still a sore spot. I’m not always great at discussing it usefully right now with all but a few people. I’m sure that will change, but that’s where I am now.
(Previous post here if you want to read back over things.)
So anyway, yeah. That is all true. And it does all upset me.
But it was only a piece of the year. And that other stuff is also true.
I’ve had awesome professional moments and wonderful personal ones. I feel fantastic and I’m prouder of myself physically than I may ever have been. Good things have happened and are happening. And when I look at what I get to do and where I get to be – and the people I get to work with, to share ideas with, to talk to, to care about – there is no doubt I’m insanely fortunate.
So… how does all of this balance out?
I have no idea.
I could try to list it all out like I began to.
I could list it all – but I have no idea anymore what a list like that would show.
How do you measure a year? It’s been unquantifiable.
Maybe that’s what 2015 has taught me. That you can’t make a year be simple. And that a lot of things can be true at the same time.